Confrontation or Slow Fade?
I don't know what's in the water around here, but a bunch of my friends have recently ended (or are planning on ending) dating relationships that they're in. Seriously, I'm talking at least 5 people in the past 2 weeks.
Now, when I say "dating relationship", I'm not talking long-term relationships (although I know a few people who are having issues with those as well). No, I'm talking about the "You're not my boyfriend/girlfriend yet, but you're not just a one-date thing either" thing. Like, you've been on 3 or 4 dates, and you're at the point where you have to either go for it and start a fledgling relationship or can it and move on.
The problem with this odd proto-relationship stage is that ending it is awkward no matter what. If you just ignore the person's calls (especially if they're into you), it's sort of mean. I've definitely been on both sides of that situation, and it totally sucks. You call the person, and you expect them to call you back within a certain time (because at this point, you've sort of established a pattern of talking every 3 days or so) and then they don't. Then you start in with the excuses, the "Oh, he's just busy" or the "I think he said he was going out of town for work" and when it gets really bad, "Family tragedies happen all the time". Then eventually you wise up and realize that the person isn't going to call you, and that they just weren't interested. Plus, they were too wussy to call you and break it off. Dick.
The latter scenario is what most of my friends call "the slow fade". Some slow fades are easier than others, particularly when it's evident that both of you have lost interest and have no desire to call the other person. It ends all nice and tidily, and no one is the worse for wear. But then there are the messy slow fades, where you don't call the person back, and they keep calling you, and texting you, and trying to find out where you are based upon your Google chat status. You get really annoyed with them because they keep calling, and you wish you had just sacked up and broken it off to start with.
However, if you ACTUALLY break it off to start with, I find that it's a really awkward conversation. Like you have to dump someone who you haven't gotten to the dumping stage with yet. For example:
Phone rings.
Kate: Hello?
Boy: Hi Kate, it's Charlie!
Kate: Oh, hi Charlie. (Thinks of Charlie's rabid enthusiasm for Final Fantasy X, makes gagging face)
Boy: So I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me on Friday.
Kate: Um...
Boy: It'll be totally TUBULAR! We can watch Battlestar Galactica, and then play Halo! OMG WFT PWNED!
Kate: You know, I think I might be busy.
Boy: What about Saturday?
Kate: Um...
Boy: Monday?
Kate: Well...
Boy: How about you tell me when you're free, and I'll wait to watch Battlestar with you. It's hard to wait more than a week to check out those hot Cylon babes, but it's better to watch Battlestar with my hand up your shirt so I can pretend you're a Cylon.
Kate: Um, Charlie, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Boy: What?
Kate: Yeah, I just... I don't think it's working for me.
Boy: Why? What's wrong?
Kate: Well, you know, I just don't think we have that much in common, and...
Boy: But we have friends in common!
Kate: Yes, but--
Boy: Are you saying that the problem is me?
Kate: No, I just don't think we're compatible.
Boy: Yeah, whatever. Bitch! Go and find some other guy and chew his heart up and spit it out. Deanna Troy would have never treated me this way. HARLOT!
I have had conversations that are somewhat similar to this in the past. Seriously. I felt like I was ending a year-long relationship when I'd only gone on three dates. However, there have been times where I haven't even gone on a date with a guy I exchanged numbers with, tried the slow fade, and ended up receiving "Wher did u go?" texts 3 MONTHS after I met the guy and never went on a date with him. Clearly, there isn't one method that is demonstrably superior. Which is why I pose to you:
Honestly, people keep asking me for advice, and I have no idea what to tell them. So I'm asking you. Thanks.
Labels: Logged Hours' Greatest Hits (a.k.a. Posts that were linked to larger blogs than mine)
posted by Kate
26 Comments:
I find breaking up on post its, or text messaging, the easiest.
TUBULAR!
very interesting post.
I'd go with whatever makes the dumpee look less like an ass...and playing the "friend" route is an insult. If it doesn't work, it's rarely ever going to.
best to cut them lose, let them find someone else.
I think every relationship is different. Some people are so psycho you have to cut them off cold turkey but some are actually mature so you can be more amicable.
true, true.
My opinion is somewhat biased, being someone currently on the receiving end of just such a situation. But I'd just add that if your friends are anything like you, they probably weren't dating any douchebags to begin with and I'd doubt the dumpee would react poorly, whichever route your friend chooses. The gu might be a little hurt at first, but he'll get over it, happy to have had the opportunity to date a great girl, however fleetingly. And if he runs into your friend at a party or something, I'm sure he'll take the high road and act friendly to avoid any weirdness. Best wishes and good luck... to your friend, I mean.
I usually start not-dating someone else in an effort to force evasive, awkward conversations with my earlier not-dating friend until she starts to suspects something. If this doesn't completely do the trick, I'll invite her over for mercy sex (but no dinner or anything) and when she notices the pair of panties that aren't hers wedged between my mattress and the wall it's usually done. After that it's ignore the emails and answer the phone in a foreign language until they get the point. Why does it all have to be so hard?
"I'm sorry, but I met someone who I want to see exclusively" is a really good one. (Even if the "someone" is actually "UPN reruns of 'Girlfriends' and a bag of mini-Milky Ways".)
Come now Kate, surely you don't expect us to believe that you know anyone who would say things like "WTF PWNED!", play Halo, AND watch BSG and Star Trek. Your friends are WAY cooler than that.
But, to be fair, Boomer and Number Six are pretty damn smokin' (yup, I said smokin', commence gagging) and Season 3 starts this friday! OMG!! ;)
I just got slow-faded and was a little hurt but I think it is the best way. You can't get a break up chat if there's nothing to break up. It sometimes takes people a while to understand that they are being slow faded if they have never been slow faded before but they slowly get the hang of it.
Man I wish there was just a dating rule book.
Don't date. Don't do it. Make it clear from the start that you 'don't date', do what you will (even if it comes dangerously close to relationship stuff-- screwing, dinner, etc.) then just shrug it all off when you're done. No one gets dumped.
Oh shit. Maybe I am a slut/emotional robot.
You go Glenn Coco!
This is an easy one. You don't call the guy, but should he call you and ask you out, you say, "You're a sweet (or funny, cool, awesome) guy, but I don't think there's a romantic connection happening between us." End of story.
I accidentally slow-faded some friends. Oops. Sorry guys.
YOu calln it the "slow fade" and I call it the "pocket dump" after the "pocket veto" power of the president; if s/he lets something sit on his desk for days without signing it, it's vetoed--even though s/he didn't ACTUALLY sign it! Everyone wins! I would so prefer that a guy slow fade away from me: I'm always checking for that instead of the "big talk" after two dates. Hey fuck you buddy; it's not like I'm your girlfriend!! And I HATE it when a guy won't take the hint of me not calling/emailing. Ugh. :( Why does everyone need things spelled out for them?
if I have not had sex with a guy, I will break up with him via the phone.
Kindly and considerately with respect to his feelings.
If I have had sex with a guy and he keeps calling no matter what I do, then
I will do it in person. Again kindly and considerately with respect to his feelings.
Although it's rather
uncomfortable no matter the circumstances -- it's wiser to walk away
knowing that you didn't revel in being a heartless a**hole to someone
who doesn't deserve it.
i'm not entirely sure. it really depends on the relationship. i've had the slow fades where we just never talk again. i've been stalked and done the stalking. i've have had the melodramatics as well. it really all depends on the situation.
A couple of quick personal anecdotes...
I had this problem a few months ago and was fired from my job as I was considering what to do. My first thought? "Oh, this gives me a GREAT excuse to break up with Kelly." you know, the whoole "My life is in a lot of transition and I just can't handle dating anybody right now.
Another girl just ignormed me for a day then called and said "This just idn't working for me. Sorry." her current boyfriedn now hates me for some reason.
A friend of mine was getting 7 tets and 4 phone calls a day form a girl for a month until she hooked up with some random guy in South beach and has not called him since. I tinhk that is probably the worst method. Just my dos centavos
this sheds a lot of light on things. I usually get the 'quick flush' or, worse, the 'dumped before they've even met you', a la internet dating. Single life sux!
um, kate, are you doing a slow fade with us? where are you?
Honestly, what a stupid question. Just tell the person you can't see them anymore. The "slow fade" is disrespectful, annoying, leading the other person on, ridiculous. I can't imagine anyone would prefer it to just hearing the truth. Instead of being awkward for weeks, its awkward for about 3 minutes.
And I didn't read all the responses, but whoever said to do it over text messaging is a complete asshole. At least have the decency to IM. Better is to call.
At any rate, grow a pair, get over yourself (you're not that big of a deal to lose), and just do it.
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Or you can be like Ashley Marie Francis, and dump your boyfriend of 3 years without warning one day after making him sign a lease in the middle of fucking nowhere while so he could support her through college. Thanks, ash!
You know, I really liked the post a lot but I hate it how people are always making stupid fun of sci-fi fans.
"Your friends are WAY cooler than that." And you think you are way cooler too? I am betting many people who think this way are possibly as boring as hell and guys who like sci-fi and are into science can be really cool and nice and attractive, they need not be nerdy or weirdos.
And yes, I AM a Star Trek fan (although I do not like BG or Halo) and I feel profoundly affronted by the fact that you seem to imply that this makes someone directly worth breaking up with. And for those who might be curious, I am a perfectly social nice looking girl (no, not a model or anything like that certainly, just more or less nice looking) who has always had boyfriends since she was 16. Even though I like sci-fi and I am a trekkie. I just hate people thinking of us as weirdoes because of posts like these :-(
Again, very good post but terrible choice of hobbies for your breakup madeup boyfriend.
I'm getting slow faded right now. It sucks. I really, really like the guy and I wish he'd just sack up and be a man and say "It's not going to happen."
[sigh]
It's Troi. Deanna Troi.
And for those who might be wondering, I am a large, unpleasant individual who'd rather be right than have a girlfriend.
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